WASHINGTON D.C. (AP) — The U. S. Fish and Wildlife Service, a Bureau in the Department of the Interior (“FISHY”), and the U. S. Gnat and Gnu Service, a Bureau in the Environmental Protection Agency (“GNAT & GNU”), acting in conjunction with one another, have settled a lawsuit brought in the United States District Court in the District of Columbia against Tom Bartley, a U. S. citizen presently located in Brenham, Washington County, Texas (“Bartley”). FISHY, GNAT & GNU alleged that Bartley was in violation of numerous federal statutes and regulations designed to protect the Central Texas Gnat (subhumongus gnatus) and the environment it requires to survive. More specifically, the lawsuit alleged that Bartley was indiscriminately killing gnats, and by implication, gnus, although no specific examples of gnu slaughter were cited. In addition, the federal suit alleged that Bartley was cleaning his office, constituting violations of the dingy and dirty gnat habitat regulations (USCA TITLE 99, Sections 49,546 – 86, 733) generally referred to as the happy gnat habitat rules. The suit further alleged that Bartley was cleaning his office in order to cover up his gnat slaughter in violation of the Cleaning Offices Without Official Auspices Act (USCA TITLE 101, Section 6), a first degree felony, punishable by up to 4,050 years in federal prison and/or removal of one’s fly swatter appendage, otherwise known as the gnat bat arm.
Sources tell AP that many parts of the settlement are confidential and may not be disclosed until hell freezes over. Those same sources say that is so under the belief that when hell freezes over the environment for gnats and gnus (and the rest of us for that matter) will be so inhospitable as to not allow life, at which time disclosure is allowed. The terms of the settlement which can be disclosed are:
1. The lawsuit brought by FISHY, GNAT & GNU has been dismissed.
2. No further proceedings will be brought against Bartley, civil or criminal, for past gnat slaughter.
3. Bartley may never again clean his office so as not to violate the happy gnat habitat rules or cover up future gnat slaughter in violation of the Cleaning Offices Without Official Auspices Act.
4. Bartley has to say he is very sorry, in the evening when the most gnats are out to hear it.