Month: January 2013

I like some lawyers.  Some I like a lot.  I don’t like most lawyers.  If you’re a lawyer reading this, you are one of those I like a lot.

We used to own a building in downtown Brenham.  We did without hot water in the building for years.  A small electric water heater servicing the second and third floors went out and I just couldn’t make myself spend the $100 it cost to replace it.  After years of cold water (warm in the summer, we live in Texas) I broke down, bought a new one and paid a friend to install it.  I could have done it myself but it’s located between the second and third floors in a space only a midget can fit in.  My friend is a midget.

The first day I washed the glasses with my new hot water I burned my hands.  But the glasses got really clean.  I think it’s because flying objects traveling at close to the speed of light strip away any impurities.  And major impact dislodges any particles which survive reentry.  Maybe this is why any car I’ve ever wrecked always looked much cleaner after the collision than before.

I was very hesitant to wash the glasses again.  Clean is nice but third degree burns are a different thing all together.  But I had paid $100 for my new hot water heater plus the midget’s installation fee and I ain’t nothin’ if not cheap.  I screwed up my courage and very cautiously turned on the hot water.  It worked.  I was back in business.

A few days later we began to notice that it smelled real bad when we turned the hot water on.  Real bad.  You know, like a sour gas well or a small dog who ate something unmentionable and you made the mistake of taking him for a car ride with the windows up.  I had three options.  Replace the heater but that cost more money and I had to find a midget again; turn all the hot water lines off at all the sinks but that required mechanical skills I arguably don’t possess; or come up with a sign warning everyone not to turn on the hot water.  I opted to turn all the hot water lines off but not before coming up with the following sign.

FIRST ONE TO TURN

THE HOT WATER ON

IS A ROTTEN EGG

OFFICIAL NOTICE

WASHINGTON D.C. (AP) — The U. S. Fish and Wildlife Service, a Bureau in the Department of the Interior (“FISHY”), and the U. S. Gnat and Gnu Service, a Bureau in the Environmental Protection Agency (“GNAT & GNU”), acting in conjunction with one another, have settled a lawsuit brought in the United States District Court in the District of Columbia against Tom Bartley, a U. S. citizen presently located in Brenham, Washington County, Texas (“Bartley”).  FISHY, GNAT & GNU alleged that Bartley was in violation of numerous federal statutes and regulations designed to protect the Central Texas Gnat (subhumongus  gnatus) and the environment it requires to survive.  More specifically, the lawsuit alleged that Bartley was indiscriminately killing gnats, and by implication, gnus, although no specific examples of gnu slaughter were cited.  In addition, the federal suit alleged that Bartley was cleaning his office, constituting violations of the dingy and dirty gnat habitat regulations (USCA TITLE 99, Sections 49,546 – 86, 733) generally referred to as the happy gnat habitat rules.  The suit further alleged that Bartley was cleaning his office in order to cover up his gnat slaughter in violation of the Cleaning Offices Without Official Auspices Act (USCA TITLE 101, Section 6), a first degree felony, punishable by up to 4,050 years in federal prison and/or removal of one’s fly swatter appendage, otherwise known as the gnat bat arm.

Sources tell AP that many parts of the settlement are confidential and may not be disclosed until hell freezes over.  Those same sources say that is so under the belief that when hell freezes over the environment for gnats and gnus (and the rest of us for that matter) will be so inhospitable as to not allow life, at which time disclosure is allowed.  The terms of the settlement which can be disclosed are:

1. The lawsuit brought by FISHY, GNAT & GNU has been dismissed.

2. No further proceedings will be brought against Bartley, civil or criminal, for past gnat slaughter.

3. Bartley may never again clean his office so as not to violate the happy gnat habitat rules or cover up future gnat slaughter in violation of the Cleaning Offices Without Official Auspices Act.

4. Bartley has to say he is very sorry, in the evening when the most gnats are out to hear it.